Intentions and honesty

*This was originally posted on myspace. After consideration, I decided not to change anything. I do, however, want more feedback. Do you think this is clear? Do you have any questions for me? Feel free to join my discussion board at www.natalyasadici.com and discuss this post.

After meeting and playing with a variety of people throughout the years, I've gotten to know vastly different personalities. Some people are so open and honest that they're easy to read and have positive experiences with. Other people are discovering a new side of themselves through BDSM. Each play time is vastly new and broadens their horizons in both this floating world and the vanilla world. The scenes and sessions must proceed with extreme caution because we're traversing new territory. And then...there's the last type of personality. I'll preface this by saying there's nothing wrong with this type of personality, but I find it very difficult to deal with. When I was a new Domina, I had no clue what to do. With time comes experience, and I now feel better about encounters with what I'll call "seesaws".

"Seesaws" are people who have either dabbled a little bit with BDSM, never played before, or have played a lot. Most often "seesaws" will state interests and boundaries, but may carry a tinge of, "I don't know if this really works for me," in their voices. When playing with them their energy will be all over the place. You'll feel that you're getting somewhere and it's absolutely wonderful, then suddenly, his or her energy will shift and you'll just have to stop. In my experiences I've noticed no outside factors have changed. The temperature of the room didn't change, I didn't flog harder or softer, music has stayed soft and soothing, etc. What DOES happen is constant internal flux on the submissive's part. Why does this happen?

It happens because this person is either uncomfortable with his or her perversions or can't be honest with him or herself. Being uncomfortable with your perversions will give off completely contradictory energy to your play partner. On the flip side, if you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with your Top? How can you tell your Top what may or may not push your hot and juicy buttons? You just can't. You won't know your intentions for persuing BDSM either. This is a big problem. If you pursue your "seesaw" course, this can be potentially damaging to your psyche. With honesty comes knowledge of not only interests, but your boundaries too.

I realize that it's difficult for most people to look inside themselves and see what they really want and what's there. If you got what you really wanted, well...what else is there? Do you feel a sense of pride in who you are? For some, BDSM can be a catharsis and an escape. Unfortunately, it can also be an escape from dealing with our problems and growing into a better person. A responsible Top will recognize the tell tale signs. But what can the Top do then? Depending on the precise circumstances, I will do one of three things: tell the submissive to make a definite decision on the course of training and make him or her state precise reasons as to why this is the best course, stop seeing the submissive altogether and tell him or her that he or she needs to be honest with him or herself before pursuing BDSM further, or without futher explanation sever all ties with the submissive. The last course of action I've persued with one particular person. In that case the submissive played mind games and became emotionally abusive.

Can "seesaws" actually become fulfilling play partners? I've seen it happen. There's a little story I'd like to share. Two years ago I had a male client who was a novice. He had found out about me through a class I taught. Our pre session negotiations where all over the place. He wasn't sure what he wanted to try, he'd say yes to certain suggestions, and then change his mind. Every sentence uttered was filled with stutters. At first, I wanted to tell him I couldn't play with him. Unfortunately I worked for a commercial dungeon at the time and I couldn't tell people no. We ended up having a few seesaw sessions together, but strangely enough, I enjoyed them even though they were difficult. At the end of each session, I'd tell him my exact thoughts about our playtime. My frustrations were clearly vocalized. I felt he was on the verge of an emotional growth spurt. The following session consisted of no play whatsoever. We talked for 45 minutes. It was wonderful. We had one more session after that and then he finally made a decision for himself! For a guy who went through life letting everyone make decisions for him, this was HUGE. He told me our sessions together taught him how to be more assertive in life, persue the things he wanted, and he felt he had to move on. I hope he's found the Dominant wife he decided to look for. So yes, "seesaws" can change.