I'm really excited...tomorrow I'm learning how to do scrotal inflation. Medical play has always frosted my cookies, so to speak, and I'm absolutely thrilled to learn something new in this realm of play! :)

*This was originally posted on myspace. After consideration, I decided not to change anything. I do, however, want more feedback. Do you think this is clear? Do you have any questions for me? Feel free to join my discussion board at www.natalyasadici.com and discuss this post.

After meeting and playing with a variety of people throughout the years, I've gotten to know vastly different personalities. Some people are so open and honest that they're easy to read and have positive experiences with. Other people are discovering a new side of themselves through BDSM. Each play time is vastly new and broadens their horizons in both this floating world and the vanilla world. The scenes and sessions must proceed with extreme caution because we're traversing new territory. And then...there's the last type of personality. I'll preface this by saying there's nothing wrong with this type of personality, but I find it very difficult to deal with. When I was a new Domina, I had no clue what to do. With time comes experience, and I now feel better about encounters with what I'll call "seesaws".

"Seesaws" are people who have either dabbled a little bit with BDSM, never played before, or have played a lot. Most often "seesaws" will state interests and boundaries, but may carry a tinge of, "I don't know if this really works for me," in their voices. When playing with them their energy will be all over the place. You'll feel that you're getting somewhere and it's absolutely wonderful, then suddenly, his or her energy will shift and you'll just have to stop. In my experiences I've noticed no outside factors have changed. The temperature of the room didn't change, I didn't flog harder or softer, music has stayed soft and soothing, etc. What DOES happen is constant internal flux on the submissive's part. Why does this happen?

It happens because this person is either uncomfortable with his or her perversions or can't be honest with him or herself. Being uncomfortable with your perversions will give off completely contradictory energy to your play partner. On the flip side, if you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with your Top? How can you tell your Top what may or may not push your hot and juicy buttons? You just can't. You won't know your intentions for persuing BDSM either. This is a big problem. If you pursue your "seesaw" course, this can be potentially damaging to your psyche. With honesty comes knowledge of not only interests, but your boundaries too.

I realize that it's difficult for most people to look inside themselves and see what they really want and what's there. If you got what you really wanted, well...what else is there? Do you feel a sense of pride in who you are? For some, BDSM can be a catharsis and an escape. Unfortunately, it can also be an escape from dealing with our problems and growing into a better person. A responsible Top will recognize the tell tale signs. But what can the Top do then? Depending on the precise circumstances, I will do one of three things: tell the submissive to make a definite decision on the course of training and make him or her state precise reasons as to why this is the best course, stop seeing the submissive altogether and tell him or her that he or she needs to be honest with him or herself before pursuing BDSM further, or without futher explanation sever all ties with the submissive. The last course of action I've persued with one particular person. In that case the submissive played mind games and became emotionally abusive.

Can "seesaws" actually become fulfilling play partners? I've seen it happen. There's a little story I'd like to share. Two years ago I had a male client who was a novice. He had found out about me through a class I taught. Our pre session negotiations where all over the place. He wasn't sure what he wanted to try, he'd say yes to certain suggestions, and then change his mind. Every sentence uttered was filled with stutters. At first, I wanted to tell him I couldn't play with him. Unfortunately I worked for a commercial dungeon at the time and I couldn't tell people no. We ended up having a few seesaw sessions together, but strangely enough, I enjoyed them even though they were difficult. At the end of each session, I'd tell him my exact thoughts about our playtime. My frustrations were clearly vocalized. I felt he was on the verge of an emotional growth spurt. The following session consisted of no play whatsoever. We talked for 45 minutes. It was wonderful. We had one more session after that and then he finally made a decision for himself! For a guy who went through life letting everyone make decisions for him, this was HUGE. He told me our sessions together taught him how to be more assertive in life, persue the things he wanted, and he felt he had to move on. I hope he's found the Dominant wife he decided to look for. So yes, "seesaws" can change.

I never trust anyone who says, "I don't have boundaries." Why? Because I feel that the person in question is either lying to her/himself or to me. Everyone has boundaries plain and simple. Here's an extreme example: would you eat my shit or murder someone for me? Obviously, I would never actually ask someone to do those things, but you get my point. There are certain things a submissive won't do, but there are also things a Dominant won't do. These sets of boundaries must be respected. After all, that's what separates BDSM from abuse...consent.

Let's start with the boundaries of a submissive. Every time a potential client or play partner contacts me I look at what she or he says about her or his boundaries. If there are specific things listed, I know this person has thought about the question and can communicate well. This gets tough with someone who has never played before or has limited experience. If she or he fesses up to being a novice right off the bat, I have more respect for her or him. There is a series of questions I will ask a novice taking her or his interests into consideration. Some of these questions are:
What are things you could never picture yourself doing?
Which activities would endanger your health, sanity, career, or relations with loved ones?
-the response to this question is particularly telling! I'll give the person a list of activities.
What activities seem exciting, but you'd be scared to explore the first time?

So...what happens when you start playing? I love playing on the edge, but I realize that it takes time to distinguish where that edge may be. If someone tells me they identify themselves primarily as a rubber fetishist, do I break out my single tail? The answer to this question should be obvious. In my experiences, submissives tend to open up more and ask about various activities after the first scene or session. I enjoy this because it's like a gift that keeps on giving. There's a level of trust that's established. There are certain oxymorons in BDSM-certain paradoxes. I love the idea of a slave that opens her or himself up and lets me do whatever I want. Here's the thing, we're all human. We have emotional baggage from past relationships, we can't be marked out of fear that a boss, doctor, or lover would see, we need discretion. I love the idea of the slave I mentioned previously, but I need to know something about the slave in question. Otherwise I may have her or him freak out during an intense humiliation scene. I enjoy hurting people who want to be hurt, but I don't want to harm them. Harm may never heal.

On the opposite end of things, Dominants have boundaries too. I won't engage in certain activities because I deem them unsafe,-i.e. permanent irreparable harm could result-I don't enjoy that particular activity, or I've reserved that activity for personal slaves. Protocol is a good example of a Dominant setting boundaries. Don't touch me unless I tell you to, don't speak unless spoken to, and don't arrive at the dungeon unclean! Every Dominant wants and doesn't want different things. It's a good idea to ask about protocol when playing with someone for the first time. How do you feel when a boundary is crossed? Think about how a Dominant feels when one of Her boundaries is crossed. It's upsetting. Do you want to play again with a Dominant who has just crossed your boundaries? Do you think She wants to play with you if you cross one of Hers?

In general, do some soul searching. Figure out what you will and won't do in play. Ask what your Dominant's boundaries and protocol are. Be firm in hard limits and boundaries. If you aren't, you're asking for a world of harm.

When there are changes in my life, I like to mark them. Sometimes a new piercing or tattoo will sufice, but this time it didn't seem appropriate. At the end of this post I'll discuss my theory on rites of passage, but for now I'll type about the experience.

Hook suspension seemed like something I could never do, let alone openly talk about. All the photos I looked at online seemed so intense, and, of course, there's that fear of a hook ripping out of your flesh and resulting in a nasty plummet. I didn't think I could tell my brain to quiet itself, and wallow in the experience...but I had to try. A few months ago, I decided to pursue my education. Upon acceptance into a Master's program, I called a friend and set up the suspension.

The afternoon of the suspension I received an acupuncture treatment and had a massive energy readjustment. All of my apprehension of the suspension melted away. I was floating above the table with a sense of calm that I've never experienced. At that moment I told myself, you might scream, cry, and/or vomit, but whatever you feel and do is ok. Looking back, if I hadn't have done that, I don't think I could have gone up. Our minds are very powerful things.

While sitting in a chair, Jared and Micah marked my back for placement and started breathing with me. As I let out the third deep breath, two hooks were thrown into my back. It was excruciating! Forcing myself to breathe was difficult. Moments later, Jared and Micah started breathing with me...and two more hooks were thrown. Strangely enough, my endorphins weren't kicking in right away. Perhaps this was a result of the acupuncture treatment? I have no idea. Before I knew it, there was a banana and iced tea in my hands. After slowing drinking and eating, my endorphins kicked in. I was ready for the next step.

The hooks were carefully adjusted for tension, and I precariously started the walking process. Backwards and forwards, I slowly walked holding Jared's hands first, then Danimal's. Feeling the tension made me worry. Can I do this? I kept going and tried to keep breathing-letting the pain wash over me. Then...the difference between being suspended and being on the ground was millimeters. That was the most difficult part-letting go and relying on the hooks to hold all my weight. It took was seemed like hours for me to tell myself it was ok, and finally hang.

I was being pulled up slowly and then told to swing. It hurt and I kept wondering if I had reached the extent of my endorphin supply. You'd be amazed what goes through your head in these moments. Here's a list:
Holy shit, my soul is being ripped out of my body!
Did I drink too much water and iced tea?
Where did the rest of the room go?
There are bright colors everywhere!
I might have fallen asleep.
This hurts again, just breathe Natalya.
Did I just catch a glimpse of a past life?

After being let down, I felt an extreme sense of accomplishment. In that moment I knew that I can do anything I want to. There's no need to fear anything in this life. My personal journal entry of this experience is much longer and includes more personal things that were going on in my head, but I don't want to bare my complete soul to the world wide web.

My theories on rites of passage:
Long ago, when humans were still in tribes they had traditional rites of passage. Today, we would think of them as brutal, nonconsensual, and even insane. These rites often marked transitions from childhood into adulthood. Today, we have ceremonies like high school or college graduation. These hardly consist of altering the body, mind, and spirit. I remember sitting and listening to an annoyingly long speech and wanting to get my damn diploma. Did I feel like I had oversome a huge obstacle or accomplished anything in life after this ceremony? No. My transition didn't feel complete at all. No amount of writing or talking with loved ones could change that feeling. Traditional rites of passage tested the mind, body, and spirit. Before you could go on to the next phase of life, i.e. adulthood, you were put through this test. Afterwards, there could be a sense of accomplishment and completion. Today we have lost that test. I have a feeling that's why many people feel imbalanced. We haven't embodied life's transitions through ritual.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone should hang from hooks or tattoo their faces, but I think that performing our own personal tests or rituals is extremely important. We can embody the change and feel prepared to move onto the next stage of life. Changes such as starting school again, beginning a new career, or moving to a new place require some mental prep. Feeling imbalanced is terrible and doesn't aid in the smooth transitions we have in life. By stating this, I'd like to see personal rites of passage be more accepted. So far, my transition has been extremely positive.

A wise woman told the attendees of her party to set intentions rather than make resolutions for the new year. This made a lot of sense to me. After all, when we make resolutions, often we break them and are upset with ourselves. I'd rather set intentions that I can discard when life throws a curve ball.

One of my intentions-the rest are too personal for here-is to edit and post some of my writings and ramblings about BDSM. I like to track progression and see if fellow perverts are thinking, feeling, and sharing similar fantasies and ideas. This medium seems to be more reliable than what I've used previously...*ahem myspace* I also want to track my personal progression through pervery. Yes, I'm definitely an exhibitionist! This will also be a place for announcements. This year has many intense projects coming up.

Without further hesitation, welcome to the inner workings of my mind. Enjoy!