Boundaries

I never trust anyone who says, "I don't have boundaries." Why? Because I feel that the person in question is either lying to her/himself or to me. Everyone has boundaries plain and simple. Here's an extreme example: would you eat my shit or murder someone for me? Obviously, I would never actually ask someone to do those things, but you get my point. There are certain things a submissive won't do, but there are also things a Dominant won't do. These sets of boundaries must be respected. After all, that's what separates BDSM from abuse...consent.

Let's start with the boundaries of a submissive. Every time a potential client or play partner contacts me I look at what she or he says about her or his boundaries. If there are specific things listed, I know this person has thought about the question and can communicate well. This gets tough with someone who has never played before or has limited experience. If she or he fesses up to being a novice right off the bat, I have more respect for her or him. There is a series of questions I will ask a novice taking her or his interests into consideration. Some of these questions are:
What are things you could never picture yourself doing?
Which activities would endanger your health, sanity, career, or relations with loved ones?
-the response to this question is particularly telling! I'll give the person a list of activities.
What activities seem exciting, but you'd be scared to explore the first time?

So...what happens when you start playing? I love playing on the edge, but I realize that it takes time to distinguish where that edge may be. If someone tells me they identify themselves primarily as a rubber fetishist, do I break out my single tail? The answer to this question should be obvious. In my experiences, submissives tend to open up more and ask about various activities after the first scene or session. I enjoy this because it's like a gift that keeps on giving. There's a level of trust that's established. There are certain oxymorons in BDSM-certain paradoxes. I love the idea of a slave that opens her or himself up and lets me do whatever I want. Here's the thing, we're all human. We have emotional baggage from past relationships, we can't be marked out of fear that a boss, doctor, or lover would see, we need discretion. I love the idea of the slave I mentioned previously, but I need to know something about the slave in question. Otherwise I may have her or him freak out during an intense humiliation scene. I enjoy hurting people who want to be hurt, but I don't want to harm them. Harm may never heal.

On the opposite end of things, Dominants have boundaries too. I won't engage in certain activities because I deem them unsafe,-i.e. permanent irreparable harm could result-I don't enjoy that particular activity, or I've reserved that activity for personal slaves. Protocol is a good example of a Dominant setting boundaries. Don't touch me unless I tell you to, don't speak unless spoken to, and don't arrive at the dungeon unclean! Every Dominant wants and doesn't want different things. It's a good idea to ask about protocol when playing with someone for the first time. How do you feel when a boundary is crossed? Think about how a Dominant feels when one of Her boundaries is crossed. It's upsetting. Do you want to play again with a Dominant who has just crossed your boundaries? Do you think She wants to play with you if you cross one of Hers?

In general, do some soul searching. Figure out what you will and won't do in play. Ask what your Dominant's boundaries and protocol are. Be firm in hard limits and boundaries. If you aren't, you're asking for a world of harm.